We're five days into 2019 and I’ve already felt an intense amount of emotion towards finding my better self and addressing things I’ve set aside. After checking off almost every “goal” I had last year and still not feeling fulfilled, I knew there was a bigger reason behind my wellness journey.
To be clear, “wellness” doesn’t mean just working out, or meditating, or self care, or eating well, or meeting goals. To me, it’s all of that combined. It’s digging deep and being comfortable with how you feel (emotionally, and physically) and it’s finding ways to motivate yourself to continuously improve. <— all things I avoided in 2018. I thought that by feeding physical goals, traveling more, working on my own, gaining a social following- that I’d feel fulfilled and SPOILER… it doesn’t happen like that. Eventually you start to bottle things up and avoid problems and they will spill over, I promise.
My wellness journey really starts back in 2014 where I developed a very minor case of Orthorexia. I actually remember someone messaging me on Instagram warning me of this “new eating disorder” and “being glad I haven’t gone down that route” when truly, I was already there. I sat with a smile and said, “that’s totally not me” and went about my business. Until a few months later I cried when my boyfriend (back then, now husband) got me a vegan, gf, soy free cake for my birthday and I just couldn’t eat it because it was “unhealthy”. Or pushing away fish from the table because it had salt on it. Or literally throwing the cold chicken I ate from a container EVERY DAY out the window on the way to the gym because the smell made me want to throw up. I knew there was an issue.
Then a moment hit me where I thought, “okay, I have the body I’ve always wanted but I really just want to feel connected to people”. I wanted to leave my own square and just go to dinner, try new food, try new experiences, and damnit, just live my own life. So your girl went the total opposite way and left behind the consistency of self awareness. I let stressful situations get the best of me and became an emotional wreck.
So now we’re in about 2017. I’m a wreck and I chose to flip another page and I say, “okay, you’ve gained some weight, let’s find balance”. Reflecting on it now, I’ll tell you that I did find balance. Balance in being able to eat what I want without feeling guilt. But with that meant I was working hours at my job more than I ever had and working out more than I ever had - sometimes 3 times a day. THREE. TIMES. And if you’re wondering I did not have the 6 pack to show for it. In fact, I got a nice little back injury as a result. So then I just spent the rest of the year feeling sorry for myself, thinking I’d never find my right fit and leaving my gym and food balance to the waters.
And here we are. The beginning of 2019, nearly 5 years since this started and I’m just now starting to look at myself as a living, breathing machine. Isn’t that crazy? From anxiety, to stress to overworking myself with several burnouts in between, I’m finally making a point to look at myself everyday and say, “let’s work together on what feels good”. Through all of the drama over the last 5 years and the fluctuated weight numbers, I’m remembering the good times. I remember that I love to feel agile, quick, strong, and I love to see results session over session. Which is why I partnered with Shred 4/15 on the East Side in Milwaukee this January, because when I tested the facility - I felt all of those things.
They didn’t reach out to me, actually it was the complete opposite. My friend, who is a member, invited me to come and afterwards I emailed the owner that night and borderline yelled at her, “CAN WE PARTNER PLEASE?”. I’m so lucky she said yes.
I’ve been to gyms, I’ve worked at them, I’ve tried classes, and I have a lot of favorites. I feel so lucky that right now my wellness journey includes a facility that supports and encourages where I am today to better who I can be tomorrow. That’s really what life’s about, right?